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Have you ever eaten a friend?
Why send Grand-maw to an expensive Nursing Home that will bankrupt her? Put her in the freezer instead, suggests the experts from the Jeffrey Daumier School For Cooking Your Relatives and Former Friends, reminding readers that "Cannibalism is a Choice" not a mandate.
If one is on a "Man Date", one might want to leave their clothes, keys and valuables at home, Jeffrey advises. Many a cannibal has lost a tooth or two crunching on keys, he notes in this thrilling, can't put down hunger pangs stopper.
My favorite chapter, "Jilted Lovers Make Great Steaks," written by a spurned lovers with a chip on his shoulders and plenty of salt in his wounds, explains how a Great Culinary School can help one "lose a pound of flesh", with the Shylock's Gourmet Meal And a Swift Army Knife retinue, guaranteed to melt "that fat off," or use it to make a great liquid base for use later. Preferably after the trial.
"Finger Foods," takes on a whole new meaning in this riveting, tasty, cook book for novae cannibals. Its distinguished panel of incarcerated authors, explains that ". . . with cunning one may make good of industrial accidents or personal trauma," by turning the carnage into a fancy, inexpensive snacks. This infamous panel of mass murderers turned new food experts, now serving "life time" sentences at some of the nation's finest and most exclusive penitentiaries on PEL grants that they might learn a more acceptable trade by attend an unlicensed and unsanitary cooking school, share their secrets to "shedding a pounds of flesh".
In life, the authors point out,"One needs to learn how to turn a negative into a positive". Say for example, that one lost their fingers to a mindless car door slam, what better way is there than by converting adversity into a tasty paste, baked pie, "crispy fries", or, a quick, easy to prepare alternative to cucumber sandwiches. "Finger Foods," as an appetizer, get a make over in this can't put her down thriller and turns kitchen mistakes into instant family food snack fun!
These quick, easy to fix recipes are ready in minutes and can save one thousands of dollars on one grocery bills, or if Democrats on their Food Stamps, if used wisely, and surreptitiously (at least until the pesky health permit issues are worked out with lazy bureaucrats). The authors are currently working with other recently incarcerated Republicans politicians to repeal all unnecessary health restrictions about consuming ones friends and, thereby, minimize the burden on the businesses community to operate as they "see fit". . . or not.
The Con Artists turned Culinary Experts note that "special equipment like extra large freezers and sharp cutlery are available directly from their school's on-line shop site, "Sweeney's Barbershop Chairs, Cutlery and Equipment To Spare."
"Suicidal? Why Jump Off A Bride When You Can Feed A Starving Village Full of Kids?," ask depressives to re-think their plans for the good of Country. This chapter asks some very disturbing and probing questions for those contemplating leaping off the "ledge" and offers them a way back into society grace. This caring, compassionate chapter gives depressives an opportunity to contribute to society in a meaningful way by once again turning a "negative into a positive", which is the "rave" of today.
In the "Defend Animals - Eat Your Friends," chapter, one is introduced to a "movable feast", sans Hemingway's hairy unappetizing face, on how one under educated, low self esteem suffering "Cannibal" realized his higher calling, gave into uncontrollable impulses and ate an "offending" friend. The panel of convicted killers added their mantras, "Cannibalism Is A Choice - Not A Trend!" and the tender, "Animal Lovers and Nature Freaks Are For Picnics". PETA folks will be happy to learn by perusing the chapter on "Animals Need Defending From Becoming Table Food", that some of their issues are addressed in this fine, leather bound book.
"Forget Power Drinks! Sip on Hot Placenta Soups, Instead" recommend the panel of former dissemblers, "they are fresher than from the Market or grocery store". The combination of proteins, minerals, vitamins and plasma keeps one up for days, weeks, even years, they offer and can be retrieved with easy from most public hospital wards for free, if one is willing to do a little "dumpster diving".
"Counter the Over Population Trend - Eat Your Friend!", also offers the novice an understanding of the path to higher consciousness designed to inspire one to convert from a low protein "Vegan" diet, to one rich in protein composed of "Mostly Your Friends".
Eat Your Friends, has an insightful introduction by Jeffrey Daumier, and it may well end world hunger, as we know it; gives a new meaning to the purpose for "Fat Farms" and teach one how to "burn calories" while making a gourmet treats buck naked (Chapter 6).
The booklet, currently available in only in Nut Houses, gives a whole new meaning to the common, trite, over worked phrase "Nice Ass," and raises the stakes in a new relationship from "humdrum" to a "pulse pounding, running for your life thrilling affair".
The next time someone tells you to: "Eat Me!", you'll understand that they are inviting you to "din-din"!
The booklet is not without its larger merit, either. (Neither). From a political perspective, if we, as a nation of cannibals, pool are resources, become "Unite-rs Instead of Dividers", then, "We, the People", if we can amend a few things in the Constitution during the 112 Congressional session, then, "We, the People", might get rid of costly programs like "Medicare and Medicaid, Social Security" and finally balance the federal budget. However, such a great undertaking cannot be undertaken without the support and aide of our dim witted, cannibalizing friends in Congress, America's only true patriots, Tea Republicans.
Such a bold action would free America from its oppressive national debt, put the government on a path towards prosperity and make America once again stand "Proud And Alone" on the world stage. It would also elevate Tea Republicans to the helm so that they may mend that which is wrong with America!
However, this daring course of action requires that the newly elected Tea Republican Patriot (who have read "The Constitution of the United States of America," at least once in their life time, to use all five of their six senses, or armed force, if they must, to get those "Lazy Left Leaning Liberals" in the House of Representative to get off their "Fat Asses" and start working for the "masses of asses" that is us, (their constituents) and pass tough legislation like thus proposed, instead of just gases.
This epoch changing legislation will only occur when Congress is controlled by a majority of Republicans. The Neo-Cons have the "lack of human compassion" necessary to pass the Conservative sponsored,Evangelical/Born Again Christians Only Republican Bill, titled, "Don't Send Your Loved One and Former Members of The Great Generation To A Vulturous Nursing Home, Thereby, Bankrupt America - Recycle Them To The Very End as a good source of protein needed to feed the ravenous rich, that they might get richer, and, therefore, as "America's Only Job Creators," create more jobs for Conservative Americans. And, all because America is Brave Enough To Eat A Friend.
"Balance the Budget by Eating Your Poor Kin!" is the clarion call that rings from every Southern Crackers Church, in every nook and cranny of Tea Republicans Great Big Fannies.
To those dolts, the readers of this dome, who have not slit their wrist by now, let me say this about that: "This is a compassionate, Conservative Christian Right Wing Born Again Proposal that is now lingering in the "Weeper of the House", Johnnie A. Boehner's in-box, buried under a case of half empty Jack Daniels bottles, hidden from view by a mountain of near empty, Instant Tan, spray cans, blocked from action by "The Speaker's" over-flowing wallet, stuffed full of lobbyist cash. Write to Boehner and tell him it is time to "Eat A Friend!"
"All Hail, The Commander In Chief! - Don't Ask Where The Beef? You are setting of it! Now You Can Eat Your Friends Fer Relief!" (Sponsored by Log Cabin Republicans For A Better Tasting America - Reminding You To "Eat A Friend! It's the Right Thing To Do And Wash Away The Deficit, Too".)
Editor's Note: This is Wintrope Merridethe, The III, and, I approved this message - with one exception: Vlad's Dog did it, not I. He made me do it. I didn't want to do it. He made me do it! Blame him. Send all complaints to vladsdog.newsvine.com.
No part of this article should be read without first soaking in an antibacterial bath!
